.................

I keep having this reoccurring dream that we meet at a bar. We touch shoulders and knock barstools and laugh while we point and spill our drinks, and we show each other that we've both changed. The lights are blinking around us, as if they have their own eyes. There are no clocks to be seen for hours. I ask the bartender what time it is, and he looks at me with a smile and says, "You have all the time in the world my dear." I tell Joe as I always have that it is best he put the whisky in alphabetical order, in order to indulge his best customer. For once, we never for one second look lonely. You are laughing at my jokes and I am telling you to drink more, and soon all you can do is laugh and all I can do is drink; backwards, like we've always known best.

I started thinking about what I had did that day; about the Asian man I saw photographing his family like they were a famous tourist attraction; the flour I had measured for the cake I made my mother that in truth came out terribly wrong. I thought about how many times I looked in the mirror that day; I almost wanted to cry, it was so much. I started listening to the heels hitting the floor, and all at once I was convinced that he looked lovely enough to hold my hand.

Something started to pull me and it wasn't you. I wanted it to be you. I wanted you to take me home that night. The bar never looked so black, and Joe disappeared and so did my alphabet, and the room went motionless and the lights had lost their eyes. I reached out my hand, and I thought you were going to grab it, but you just waved. All you did was wave. You waved goodbye.

I found another man to walk me home that night, and I told him my story. I told 13 blocks worth of my life with you. He carried my heels like a gentlemen and let me hold on to his belt. He even let me cry. He never did say one word until he got to the steps of my apartment. He looked up at me and said, "Emily…maybe you should keep dreaming."




But I never do. I'm awake.

Last night was pretty much amazing. "Cold Hard Bitch."

Everything I’ve written, I’ve erased.
I can liberate my fingers till they bleed.

And so it knows nothing of me. There are no titles or entries. There are no dates or thoughtful fonts with pasty colors or attentive notes stuck to margins. There are no doodles or tears, or pencil shavings, or highlights of importance.

But each night, it stares at me and I stare at it, and we work things out; together.

I will erase this.

I'll be in lovely california in 4 days! I am so excited to get to hang out with Tea and Katie k. Especially Tea because I never get to see her anymore.

I have been working very hard lately, am I feel great. It will be a month and 1 week on friday that I haven't had any soda or coffee. I never thought I'd be able to do it, especially becaeuse coffee played an everyday role in my life, but I am so proud of myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I really want out of this education. And the turth is, I have no idea. I think I'm going to end up relying on something other than my degree though. More like time and place, and people i know, that sort of stuff. I actually have taken in to consideration all the money I make, and it is a lot. Well for me anyway. Normally I am always broke because I pay for everything on my own, not to mention I work my butt off. But wow, I truely feel like I have a ton of money and all my savings are going well, not to mention that im paying for all of my 8,000 dollar car. It just feels so great to be so independent. I have always been that way though. I might even save enough to go back to England this summer.

I am finally ready for a relationship. Ohhhhhh finally :)